They say the road to perfection is paved with mistakes and bad decisions. Or something like that.
In any event, I make lots of mistakes. And bad decisions.
Stupid mistakes. Silly mistakes. Laugh-out-loud mistakes.
Just last week, for instance, I made the stupid mistake to try to drive on a flat tire. As soon as I pulled out of the driveway, I suspected something was wrong. (The “check tire” light might have been the first clue; the fact that the car sounded like it was riding on a field of gravel could have been the other.)
Meh, it’s just low on air, I told myself. I’ll take care of it later.
(Disclaimer: It was 5:30 in the morning and, since I was on the way to the gym, I hadn’t yet had a cup of coffee. Zero. Coffee. Enough said.)
After about a half mile, the car was rattling so loud I couldn’t hear the radio. After a mile, I decided to pull over and check things out. One look at the smoking tire told me that the gym would not be happening.
I tried to drive home on my shredding tire (another stupid mistake), leaning to the left in some misguided theory that I could weigh the car a little heavy on the side with functioning tires (silly mistake?). I nearly made it all the way home, but the tire blew a block away with a bang so loud that my neighbors heard it in their house. I abandoned the car and walked home.
Stupid mistake? You bet. Silly mistake? Maybe. A laugh-out-loud mistake? ABSOLUTELY. In fact, I spent the better part of the morning laughing about the incident with my neighbors (who now had a busted up minivan parked in front of their house).
Like I said, I’ve make lots of mistakes. Like driving on a car with a flat tire. (So many bad decisions.) Like buying a pair of shoes without trying them on. (Hello, blisters.) Like sending in the wrong form to school and “accidentally” signing up to chaperone the class field trip (whoops!). And those are just the mistakes I’ve made in the past few months. Don’t even get me started on the stupid and downright shameful mistakes I made in my early twenties.
But one of the biggest mistakes I have ever made was pretending that I didn’t make any mistakes. In other words, the most ridiculous mistake I ever made was trying to be “perfect.”
Over time, I’ve realized that not only is perfect unattainable, but is really freaking boring. And annoying. And not fun at all.
Imperfection and mistakes? Not that is some funny shit. Which is why I am SO EXCITED TO BE IN THIS BOOK: I Just Want to Be Perfect.
Why am I yelling with the all caps? Well, BECAUSE I’M REALLY FREAKING EXCITED and because this book is HILARIOUSLY PERFECT. Well, not perfect-perfect, because nothing is perfect. But this book is PERFECT IN ITS HILARIOUS IMPERFECTNESS. It’s filled with laugh-out-loud stories from 37 writers who tried to reach perfection and failed in spectacular fashion.
DID I MENTION I’M IN THIS BOOK? Oh, I did. My mistake.
So what’s the book about? Well, here’s a snippet from the press release:
The cult of perfection is a thing. As women, we are constantly inundated with “helpful” and/or “ah-may-zing” tips to improve our looks, please our men, raise the next Einstein (in a wheat-free, dairy-free, and sugar-free environment), and feng shui the crap out of our homes. Whether it’s the hot new diet that involves only eating what you can forage from the floor of your minivan, bleaching everything from your hair to your teeth to your butt hole, or clearing your clutter by mindfully thanking your ratty underwear for its long, dedicated service before you toss them, we’ve all tried something to be more perfect. We all try strive for perfection and balance in our lives, and most of us fail—spectacularly. These are those stories.
And what’s my story about? Well, you’ll have to read the book to find out but let’s just say it involves kale swimming in brown liquid, a large cylinder of ice in my backyard, the massacre of a family of small squid, and a herd of yoga-practicing, happy cows who are rubbed with essential oils every day. See, it has disaster written all over it.
And so do all the other stories. Here is a list of the other Fine Ass Chicas who are contributors to the book:
Jen Mann – People I Want to Punch in the Throat / I Just Want to Pee Alone
Bethany Kriger Thies – Bad Parenting Moments
Deva Nicole Dalporto – MyLifeSuckers
Julianna Wesby Miner – Rants From Mommyland
Lola Lolita – SammichesPsychMeds / MockMom
Kim Bongiorno – Let Me Start By Saying
Alyson Herzig – The Shitastrophy
Kathryn Leehane – Foxy Wine Pocket
Harmony Hobbs – Modern Mommy Madness
Erin Dwyer Dymowski – Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms
Tara Wood – Love Morning Wood
Kelcey Kintner – The Mama Bird Diaries
Lisa René LeClair – Sassypiehole
Joelle Wisler – Joelle Wisler, Writer
Christine McDevitt Burke Keeper of The Fruit Loops
Meredith Spidel – The Mom of the Year
Meredith Gordon – Bad Sandy
Nicole Leigh Shaw – NicoleLeighShaw.com
Allison Hart – Motherhood, WTF?
Jennifer Lizza – Outsmarted Mommy
Suzanne Fleet – Toulouse and Tonic
AK Turner – Vagabonding with Kids
Robyn Welling – Hollow Tree Ventures
Ashley Fuchs The Malleable Mom
Kim Forde – The Fordeville Diaries
R. Catalano – Zoe vs. the Universe
Chrissy Woj – Quirky Chrissy
Stacey Gill – One Funny Motha
Wendi Aarons – wendiaarons.com
Jen Simon – jensimonwriter.com
Janel Mills 649.133: Girls, the Care and Maintenance Of.
Jessica Azar – Herd Management
Susanne Kerns –The Dusty Parachute
Audrey Hayworth – Sass Mouth
Hedia Anvar – Gunmetal Geisha
Christine Organ – christineorgan.com
Shya Gibbons – ShyaGibbons